Retrospecticus ’05

// Filed under: Life on Sunday January 01st 2006, 12:12 am

Achievements – New friendships, forged. Old friendships, rediscovered. Awards won, and relationships, lost. Lessons learned, faith unshaken, secrets given and kept. Happiness, bought and found, hurdles jumped. Money earned and spent, but mostly saved.

Regrets – None.

Oh, wait.

I do have one regret.

It’s that I don’t write long enough journal entries.

See you in 2006, beautifuls.

// 3 Comments

Out Of The Mouths Of (Hawt) Babes

// Filed under: Life on Thursday December 15th 2005, 10:48 pm

“You don’t understand,” I say. “I can’t just walk up to her and say, listen, I’ve known you for a while, but suddenly find you ridiculously attractive, and we seem to be clicking really well. Frankly, I’m entertaining the possibility that I could fall for you.”

“No, you don’t understand,” she says. “You sound like you’re in love already.”

“I… I do ?”

“Yes.” A reassuring smile. “You sound like you’re in love, and trying desperately to explain it away.”

Oh dear.

// 5 Comments

The Law And You

// Filed under: Life on Sunday November 06th 2005, 6:16 pm

*ring ring*

“Hello?”
“Hello, can I please speak to Tim Colwill?”
“That’s me.”
“Yes, I’m Superintendant Phillips from the Quinns Rock Police. Your name and number have come up as linked to a fuel theft in Quinns Rock recently.”
“A fuel theft?”
“Yes, that’s right, in Quinns Rock. Somebody drove off without paying for their fuel.”
“Um, look. I work at a petrol station. I don’t even know where Quinns Rock is.”
“Hmm. What kind of car do you drive?”
“A Toyota Camry.”
“A Camry, eh? That’s exactly the sort of car that was spotted driving off with the fuel. What colour is it?”
“It’s burgundy, with an aquamarine fuel cap cover.”
“Hmm, no, this one was silver.”
“I see?”
“How old are you, son?”
“Uh, twenty.”
“Oh. Oh, I see. No, we’re after an old man, about eighty years old.”
“Riiiiiight.”
“Okay. Thanks for your help.”
“No problem.”
“Goodbye.”
“Bye.”

Inspiring.

// 4 Comments

Gasp!

// Filed under: Life on Monday October 17th 2005, 9:04 pm

The girl at Subway gave me three reward-stamps today, instead of two.

She put a dressing on my sub, and that dressing was love.

// 3 Comments

It’s The Smell.

// Filed under: Life on Monday October 10th 2005, 7:50 pm

So last week, I told myself, once I get this library assignment out of the way, I’ll devote my week break to finishing my Creative Writing work. Then, after the library assignment ran two days over, I told myself, I’ll spend these last three days working on my Creative Writing.

And of course now, on Sunday night, I’m sitting here, my Creative Writing untouched. And you know what? I just can’t bring myself to care. Hooray for apathy! I’m sure, someday, I’ll be all “You know, I just can’t be arsed getting up to get that drink.” and then, ten years later, it will be discovered that that drink caused cervical cancer in men, and only my apathy will have saved my life.

You know what drink that drink will be? Banana Supashakes. I’ll bet you anything. In fact, I’ll bet you a Banana Supashake, just so that if the cervical cancer doesn’t kill you, the irony will. Now some may say that this theory is just borne out of an intense spiritual anger at Brownes for pulling the Spearmint Supashake (Tim’s personal favourite) out of production (again, after canning it three years ago, then bringing it back, then canning it again) and replacing it with Banana, but those people are stinking pinko communist bastards, and probably on crack. Well, I hope they enjoy their cervical cancer, that’s all I have to say.

And while we’re on that note, I have yet to eat/drink/snort a product flavoured after a fruit that actually tastes anything whatsoever like a fruit. Especially banana. It’s really this simple; If it doesn’t have real banana in it, there’s absolutely no way in the five fruity hells that it can possibly taste like banana.

The point of this story is, the price of flavoured milk at my workplace has skyrocketed overnight. Well, not overnight, but since I only come in during the week, it may as well have been. I remember back when I was in high school, a choc milk was $1.60. Then, later, $1.80. Then, $2.20. Then, $2.50. And now, $2.90. Absolutely fucking ludicrous. And it’s even worse if you want the delicious “Classic” Chocolate, which is my personal chocolate milk of choice. That is $3.05. $3.05!

Sure, some people may say I have my priorities all wrong. And to them I say, moving on…

There’s an old folks home across the road from where I work (hilariously named Arcadia Waters, in total ignorance of this, apparently), and the folks there stumble/roll/fall across early every morning (old people don’t sleep, don’tcha know) to get the paper and/or tell me their life story. I’m on a first name basis with some of them (although some of them are so mumbly that as far as I can tell, their first name is Mfgabhsshb), and it really is pretty awesome and endearing to have old people back and forth with their delightful turns of phrases and constant forgetting of the time.

So anyway, they had their grand opening on Sunday (even though the place has been open for three years) and some of them actually invited me along for a drink. How awesome is that? I couldn’t go of course, my shift ended after it was all over, but really, I was so flattered. It’s not every day that you invite someone who you essentially only know on a two-minute-a-week basis to a function of yours.

Man, I totally want to be an old person when I grow up.

// 3 Comments

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