Out Of The Mouths Of (Hawt) Babes

// Filed under: Life on Thursday December 15th 2005, 10:48 pm

“You don’t understand,” I say. “I can’t just walk up to her and say, listen, I’ve known you for a while, but suddenly find you ridiculously attractive, and we seem to be clicking really well. Frankly, I’m entertaining the possibility that I could fall for you.”

“No, you don’t understand,” she says. “You sound like you’re in love already.”

“I… I do ?”

“Yes.” A reassuring smile. “You sound like you’re in love, and trying desperately to explain it away.”

Oh dear.

// 5 Comments

The Law And You

// Filed under: Life on Sunday November 06th 2005, 6:16 pm

*ring ring*

“Hello?”
“Hello, can I please speak to Tim Colwill?”
“That’s me.”
“Yes, I’m Superintendant Phillips from the Quinns Rock Police. Your name and number have come up as linked to a fuel theft in Quinns Rock recently.”
“A fuel theft?”
“Yes, that’s right, in Quinns Rock. Somebody drove off without paying for their fuel.”
“Um, look. I work at a petrol station. I don’t even know where Quinns Rock is.”
“Hmm. What kind of car do you drive?”
“A Toyota Camry.”
“A Camry, eh? That’s exactly the sort of car that was spotted driving off with the fuel. What colour is it?”
“It’s burgundy, with an aquamarine fuel cap cover.”
“Hmm, no, this one was silver.”
“I see?”
“How old are you, son?”
“Uh, twenty.”
“Oh. Oh, I see. No, we’re after an old man, about eighty years old.”
“Riiiiiight.”
“Okay. Thanks for your help.”
“No problem.”
“Goodbye.”
“Bye.”

Inspiring.

// 4 Comments

Gasp!

// Filed under: Life on Monday October 17th 2005, 9:04 pm

The girl at Subway gave me three reward-stamps today, instead of two.

She put a dressing on my sub, and that dressing was love.

// 3 Comments

It’s The Smell.

// Filed under: Life on Monday October 10th 2005, 7:50 pm

So last week, I told myself, once I get this library assignment out of the way, I’ll devote my week break to finishing my Creative Writing work. Then, after the library assignment ran two days over, I told myself, I’ll spend these last three days working on my Creative Writing.

And of course now, on Sunday night, I’m sitting here, my Creative Writing untouched. And you know what? I just can’t bring myself to care. Hooray for apathy! I’m sure, someday, I’ll be all “You know, I just can’t be arsed getting up to get that drink.” and then, ten years later, it will be discovered that that drink caused cervical cancer in men, and only my apathy will have saved my life.

You know what drink that drink will be? Banana Supashakes. I’ll bet you anything. In fact, I’ll bet you a Banana Supashake, just so that if the cervical cancer doesn’t kill you, the irony will. Now some may say that this theory is just borne out of an intense spiritual anger at Brownes for pulling the Spearmint Supashake (Tim’s personal favourite) out of production (again, after canning it three years ago, then bringing it back, then canning it again) and replacing it with Banana, but those people are stinking pinko communist bastards, and probably on crack. Well, I hope they enjoy their cervical cancer, that’s all I have to say.

And while we’re on that note, I have yet to eat/drink/snort a product flavoured after a fruit that actually tastes anything whatsoever like a fruit. Especially banana. It’s really this simple; If it doesn’t have real banana in it, there’s absolutely no way in the five fruity hells that it can possibly taste like banana.

The point of this story is, the price of flavoured milk at my workplace has skyrocketed overnight. Well, not overnight, but since I only come in during the week, it may as well have been. I remember back when I was in high school, a choc milk was $1.60. Then, later, $1.80. Then, $2.20. Then, $2.50. And now, $2.90. Absolutely fucking ludicrous. And it’s even worse if you want the delicious “Classic” Chocolate, which is my personal chocolate milk of choice. That is $3.05. $3.05!

Sure, some people may say I have my priorities all wrong. And to them I say, moving on…

There’s an old folks home across the road from where I work (hilariously named Arcadia Waters, in total ignorance of this, apparently), and the folks there stumble/roll/fall across early every morning (old people don’t sleep, don’tcha know) to get the paper and/or tell me their life story. I’m on a first name basis with some of them (although some of them are so mumbly that as far as I can tell, their first name is Mfgabhsshb), and it really is pretty awesome and endearing to have old people back and forth with their delightful turns of phrases and constant forgetting of the time.

So anyway, they had their grand opening on Sunday (even though the place has been open for three years) and some of them actually invited me along for a drink. How awesome is that? I couldn’t go of course, my shift ended after it was all over, but really, I was so flattered. It’s not every day that you invite someone who you essentially only know on a two-minute-a-week basis to a function of yours.

Man, I totally want to be an old person when I grow up.

// 3 Comments

I’ve been AFK from Life.

// Filed under: Life on Friday October 07th 2005, 6:52 pm

But now I’m back. Back like the herpes you never could quite get rid of. Back like the mother-in-law who shows up at odd hours to spay your cat, or the milkman who watches you from the street corner. You thought you could get rid of me, with your stinking shotguns, restraining orders, antibacterial creams and infeasibly monstrous university assignments. But you were wrong.

What I’m trying to say is, I just escaped from the clutches of a university assignment for my Games And Simulations unit, in which we were asked to build a highly detailed simulation of the University Library. We had about a month’s lead time, before getting together to work for four days straight assembling/finalising it. Four. Days.

And the best part is, after all that, stopping only for meal breaks, sleeping time and Jeremy’s food poisoning-vomiting-session, our product still fell short of the requirements. Now here’s a tip for you all folks: If a lecturer hands you an assignment that can’t be completed in that amount of time, that is NOT a good assignment. And we’re not the only ones, everyone other group, too, fell well short of the requirements.

Moral of the story; Oh God, I’ve missed you, Internet.

I’m not a good person, you know. I haven’t talked to my friends from high school in ages, and it’s all thanks to my ludicrous university workload. I know they understand, and I know they’re busy as well, but I still feel bad.

Simon’s computer has been temporarily disabled while he’s studying for his exams. And it’s hilarious to watch him degenerate. Right now, he’s standing in my doorway, bemoaning his boredom. How fondly I remember the days when he used to come into my room and say “What the hell are you doing? You spend like five hundred hours a day on the Internet! You’re so lame!” and now, oh now, how the tables are reversed. “I need the Internettttt” he screams as he stumbles from room to room in search of the tiniest distraction, sneaking what snippets of net he can glimmer from my screen in his passing.

Meanwhile, I have to work both days this weekend, in exchange for not working last weekend so I could afford to work on the assignment instead. And, I’ve discovered that there won’t be any crossover shifts coming in to relieve me, and furthermore, the next shift is going to arrive an hour late. So essentially, I’m going to be standing behind a counter for nine hours straight. Nine hours. That shit ain’t cool.

Yeah, I’ve really got to get a better job. But what’s worse, is that we don’t have anywhere near enough people working there now, so if I quit, the whole thing will probably collapse. Which would make me feel kinda bad.

Not as bad as getting up at 5 am every Saturday for the past 10 months though.

Got to get a better job.

// 1 Comment

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