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Tim’s Movie Review Bonanaza
// Filed under: Entertainment on Thursday July 21st 2005, 8:44 pm
Sin City
Sin City can be summed up as follows: This is my new favourite movie. Of all time. Being quite the Frank Miller fanboy, although having never read the actual Sin City comics, (as that would necessitate their purchase from a comic book store, and forking out $35 each for Hellboy comics was difficult enough) I was understandably quite hyped to see this movie, which was touted as the most faithful comic book adaptation yet. And I was not disappointed. In fact I can think of nothing, not a thing which disappointed me. It was simply the most stylish, well-written and flawlessly executed piece of concentrated awesomeness I have ever had the fortune to witness.
The cinematography was beautiful. The acting, beyond compare (although Clive Owens is a bit hammy). The CGI, absolutely flawless, and breathtakingly mixed into the normal footage, especially on the car chases, amazing. And the whole thing was just so, so unbelievably stylish. That word, more than any other, captures the feel of this film. It oozes style from every frame. This movie is style. I loved it so much, I could see it again. And I’ve never said that about a movie before, but I would happily, nay eagerly, pay to see this movie again.
Batman Begins
Hands-down the best Batman film to date. Hands. Down. It was great to finally see someone taking the material seriously, instead of the ludicrously over-played neon-lights-rubber-nipples-on-the-batsuit approach taken in recent years. Finally, a Batman that is dark, gritty and painfully human. Plus the movie had Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Liam Neeson in it. In the same movie! Surely such a large concentration of awesome, venerable old actors would have torn some kind of hole in the spacetime fabrics, but no. No, instead it was just a thoroughly cool movie which I greatly enjoyed.
Fantastic Four
If anybody ever asks you to go and see Fantastic Four, you need to immediately do the following: Kick them in the face. Hard. Then, while they’re bleeding and gasping from confusion, grab everything they’ve ever owned or touched, douse it in gasoline and burn it. Wait until their friends come to investigate the fire, and quickly push them in, head first. Don’t let the screams bother you, you’re serving a higher cause now. Now you’re almost done. Ring around and find out where all the nearby cinemas are on the same continent. Grab the leg of one of the friends of our original offender, and carrying it as you would a flaming brand, run to each of these cinemas and go through the building, clubbing all the employees to death with it. Then use this flaming brand to set fire to the cinema. Then run back to the original bonfire and repeat the process with another limb, until all cinemas have been suitable cleansed. Now you are finished and can go back to enjoying your day.
See, the real problem with Fantastic Four is that to call it merely shit would be a lie. See, calling it shit would indicate it had quality, even in a negative sense. As in, this movie has the dimension of quality, unfortunately it is of bad quality. However Fantastic Four was not like that. It was like watching a blank screen for 90 minutes, except that blank screen had stuff on it. People. Something to do with superpowers or something. Anyway, the point is: Fantastic Four was a total and complete non-event. I left the movie theatre feeling as though I’d sat in a chair and been asleep for the duration, with a vague sense of unease. I went in with no expectations, and I was still disappointed. And that shouldn’t be possible.
And von Doom! What the hell was that? It was like the whole movie was building up to this final, climatic battle and then BAM. Over in less than a minute. And full of lame lines about physics lessons. Okay, the special effects were alright but good God people, that doesn’t make up for the rest of what could generously be called a film being entirely devoid of anything remotely filmy. And Stan Lee! Why must he continue with his hackneyed, overacted cameo roles, the disgusting industry-figureheading old bag? Why? Your time is dead and gone, old man! Sure, you wrote the original Fantastic Four, Spider Man, X-Men, all that gubbins, and we love you for that but your comics sucked massive donkey balls. Maybe they were good by the standards of 40 years ago, in fact I’m sure they were since that’s why you’re so successful, but just fade gracefully out of the public eye and do us all a favour.
Conclusion
See Sin City, and right now. If you don’t see it on the big screen you’ll see it later on TV or something and you’ll kick yourself. So see it now. See Batman Begins if you’re a comic book fan, as it’s quite excellent, and you’ll enjoy it even if you don’t like Batman much, it’s that well done.
Don’t see Fantastic Four or I will hunt you down and set fire to your teeth. That is all.
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Youll know soon enough says:
July 27, 2005 at 4:17 pm
Becky says:
August 3, 2005 at 2:09 am